Letting Go

I am not very good at letting things go.  I'm not talking about when I feel I have been wronged.  (Although truth be told I'm probably not as good at letting that go as I should be.)  I'm talking about my need to be in control or at least feel like I am in control. 

As I mentioned in this post, my dad has lung cancer.  Last week we learned that, after 5 rounds of chemo, his primary tumor has shrunk 60-65% and that his lymph nodes are almost back to normal size.  This is really good news and we thank God for it.  The next phase of his treatment be a little different.  He will continue to receive chemotherapy every 3 weeks as tolerated.  In addition to the chemo he will now start receiving radiation therapy.  This therapy will be given Monday through Friday for 6 weeks. 

The radiation therapy has some pretty negative side effects.  Not only will his fatigue be worse (than it already has been with chemo alone), he  may experience burns (similar to sun burns) at the treatment sites, shortness of breath, coughing and difficulty swallowing (to the point of possibly being on a liquid diet).  We were told to expect these symptoms to begin 3-4 weeks into the treatment and continue for 3-4 weeks after it ends.  There were other side effects listed as well, but these are the ones most likely to occur.  While it breaks my heart to think of my dad experiencing these things, I recognize (and have actually accepted) the fact that it is out of my control.  God is in control.  We will continue to pray for a cure to my dad's cancer and trust in His providence.  It would be nice if my dad didn't have to experience the suffering from the side effects.  We will pray for those to be minimal, but our primary goal/prayer is for his cure.

Dad and Mom will have to be away from the farm they love so much during this time.  They could have opted to have this therapy done closer to their home, but that would have meant driving an hour each way 5 days per week.  That might be doable when the weather is good and Dad is feeling good, but those things are not guaranteed.  So....they will be staying at the Hope Lodge (similar to a Ronald McDonald house) during the week and coming to our home on the weekends.  My parents don't drive in "The Cities".  One nice thing about the Hope Lodge is that there is a shuttle that goes between the lodge and the hospital every half hour.  My parents seem okay with the idea of staying at the Hope Lodge, but I am really struggling with it.  I know, I know....I need to let go a little.  This is the letting go I'm not good at.  I like being at the Dr appointments and therapy sessions with them.  When I'm there I know what is happening, what the doctors are saying, and what it all means.  I know being there does not give me any control, but I feel like I have some.  I've been able to help them understand what is being said when all of the medical info has been overwhelming for them.  Being there has also allowed me to directly ask the doctors any questions I have had.  I wish my parents were staying at our house the whole time.  Logically I know it's probably better for them to be at the Hope Lodge.  There are times (a lot of times) my house is loud.  This might come has a surprise (ha!), but my kids do not sit around quietly reading all day.  The lodge will be a quiet place for them to be.  There are support groups and activities they can take part in if they want to, and they will hopefully connect with other families while there.  On top of that, with all the running I already do, I'm not sure that I could easily transport them to/from therapy each day....but I'd willingly try hard to make it work.  I feel like I am failing them by having them stay there.  Again, they don't feel that way. It's me. It's my issue.  I'm not good at letting go.

The way I am handling this whole situation has got me thinking about how I will one day handle my kids moving out of our home. 

The bottom line is that those I love (whether it be my parents, my husband or my kids) are not really mine.  They are God's.  I am only given the privilege of having them for a little while.  I pray I get better at handing them to over to God knowing that I have done what I can.